seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
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