Can i not drive my cunt home
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
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