i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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