Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
