I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
