and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
