he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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