OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
