I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
