Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
