My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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