So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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