we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
