look no pants
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize