i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
