1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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