my phone needs a breathalizer
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I just googled if crying burns calories
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
