I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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