Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
