had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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