I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
