My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
