I hate your face
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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