can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
false alarm. still invincible.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
