You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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