I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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