Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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