I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
not ubering you a puppy
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
