I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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