I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
She said her name was "party"
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
