Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
