Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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