We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
