Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
