Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
