in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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