Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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