Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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