I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
