I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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