Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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