I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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