One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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