I feel like I'm in dance class right now
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
