she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
And the cops told us we were all naked.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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