Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Randomize
