Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
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