It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
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