So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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