What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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