I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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