I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
