I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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