I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
