very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize