You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
