Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize