I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
