Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
